Private Funerals Now Streamed Online – NYTimes.com

Private Funerals Now Streamed Online – NYTimes.com.

In the continuing saga of cyberspace and death, this article from the NY Times speaks about the increase in funerals being broadcast online for people who can’t make it to the actual funeral.  This struck a personal chord with me because about 4 years ago, when my grandmother’s sister died, I was asked to go to the funeral and broadcast the funeral over speakerphone.  At the time, I felt both a sense of strength in being to provide this for my grandmother, but also a sense of strangeness, for how would the other funeral attendees see this.  I can’t imagine a funeral over cyberspace.  Yet, I think this is a valuable use of our interconnectedness because no longer is someone who is physically unable to attend a funeral preventing from getting some form of closure.

Palliative Care Conversation | The Book of Doctrines and Opinions:

Palliative Care Conversation | The Book of Doctrines and Opinions:.

Here is my first response to this post:

In terms of the issue of Chabad and there interest in palliative care, at their shluchim convention this year, my father, the chief medical officer of the largest hospice in the US, gave a lecture on Jewish medical ethics at the end of life. From what he told me, it was well received. Chabad tends to be the most engaged in this subject due to their being widespread and encountering more diverse types of Jews as congregants. It is possible that this other lecture was similar in scope to the one at their shluchim convention. My father has also lectured this past year at the Talmudic University in Miami, better known as R’ Zweig’s Yeshiva.

Regarding the issue of Rabbis acting as doctors instead of pastoral counselors, this is one the greatest challenges I face as a chaplain. While an Orthodox rabbi, I find myself at times in the pastoral role instead of their own rabbi, who is more worried that the hospice is out to kill the person instead of caring for them in a palliative manner. In my area, I am beginning to work with the community rabbis to find a common ground to make them more hospice friendly while also being flexible with what hospice provides under the rubric of comfort care.

I remember hearing R. Tendler years ago say that all Rabbis need an extensive background in biology so as to be able to better deal with the specifics of the myriad of medical issues congregants face. The problem is that these same rabbis then believe they know the medicine enough to then make decisions with consulting with the medical authorities. Unfortunately, this often leaves the hospice in the lurch, because if the hospice suggests an intervention is harmful, there is that same sense that hospice is there to end life sooner. Much of this fear is old, but it also gets spurned on by current events and how they are misunderstood, such as Terry Schiavo’s case. With that said, what people don’t realize is how comfort care, palliative care/hospice care, can often prolong life and provide a better life as one comes to the end.

Re: Israel and palliative care – Palliative care as a means of comfort care for the dying exists in Israel. The model is different than the American one in that they do not utilize chaplaincy. Most of the palliative care groups believe that Social Worker can provide spiritual support in addition to psycho-social support. While there is some truth to that, the lack of chaplaincy is more due to the perceived dati/hiloni divide and a lack of funding than to a sense of territorialness. Additionally, the question of chaplaincy qualifications is a hot button item because most people training to be spiritual care providers in the Israel system are non-Orthodox, thus leading to a whole set of other questions.

Cyberspace When You’re Dead – NYTimes.com

Cyberspace When You’re Dead – NYTimes.com.

This was a very fascinating magazine article from a few weeks ago.  I find the whole question of the use of the internet in relation to death and bereavement to be unique.  For starters, as was pointed out in this article, does the internet provide us with a virtual immortality?  I would venture to suggest that the answer is no, even though our message can possibly be heard from beyond.  Part of the challenge, as was discussed in the piece, is related to the question of what kind of content do most of us put on the internet.  How much of it is relevant to the future vs. how much of our writing is merely a momentary quirk?

The other aspect of death and the internet relates to how we grieve the loss of someone we “know” via our virtual contact with that person.  I discussed a similar idea in a post back in May, Grieving in the 21st Century.  Are we mourning the person or the loss that we feel by not having that particular virtual connection?  Either way, as grief is related to loss, the sense of a hole in our universe will exist regardless of what that hole is about.

Jethro tries to prevent Moses from becoming another Pharaoh.

In this week’s Torah portion, Yitro, Jethro comes to the encampment of Bnai Yisrael.  Upon seeing the goings on between Moses and the people, in which Moses receives all disputes, Jethro advises Moses to set up a system of courts so as to alleviate the stress of listening to all the people’s problems.  In thinking about this advise, I am reminded of a midrash discussed in Masechet Sotah.  The midrash says that when Pharaoh was deciding how to respond to the growth of the Jewish people and the fear about being overthrown, he consulted three advisors, Bilaam, Iyov and Jethro.  Bilaam advised Pharaoh to drown the baby boys.  Iyov stood silently by and Jethro protested and ran away.  As such, Jethro merited to have his daughters marry Moses and Aaron.  Jethro realized that it is very easy for a ruler to ignore his advisors for the sake of his own decision making process.  When Jethro sees Moses judge alone, he begins to fear that Moses will fall into the trap of Pharaoh, that Moses won’t listen to other’s advise and trust other’s judgment.  Therefore, he advises Moses that he can’t do it all on his own and that he will need judges under him for him to delegate authority.

Netivot Shalom on Prayer 3

The Netivot Shalom quotes a piece of Gemara based on the last week’s Torah portion, בשלח.  BT Sotah 30a describes how at the splitting of the sea, even the infant on its mother’s knee and the baby breastfeeding, experienced the שכינה and sang out in praise the words זה אלי ואנוהו, this is my G-d and I will glorify Him.   R. Berezovsky discusses how this shows that it is an essential element of the Israelite to feel an innate sense of needing to praise G-d in song, through the use of poetics.  This Gemara also teaches the idea of a sophisticated simplicity.  The infant recognizes the granduer of the divine but as an infant, there is no rationalization.  It is simply “This is My G-d and I will glorify Him.”

Are we resting on our laurels or striving forward?

In yesterday’s daily lesson in Tanya, we read the following (english text includes notes from lessons in Tanya).:

Likutei Amarim, middle of Chapter 15

In the category of Beinoni there are also two levels: “He who serves G‑d” and “he who serves Him not.”Yet he who “serves Him not” is not wicked, although he does not wage war with his evil nature, for never in his life has he committed even a minor transgression in the realm of negative commandments.

He has also fulfilled all the positive commandments which he was able to fulfill, including the precept of Torah study — which is equal to all the other commandments combined— to the extent that his mouth never ceased from study, despite the difficulty involved in this.

Yet he is still described as one who “does not serve G‑d,” for he does not wage any battle against his evil inclination to vanquish it through the aid of the Divine light that illuminates the G‑dly soul abiding in the brain, which rules over the heart — as explained above1 that the G‑dly soul and the Divine light illuminating it are the Beinoni’s answer to his evil inclination. He (“who serves Him not”) does not struggle with it — for his evil inclination does not oppose him at all in an attempt to deter him from his Torah study and divine service, and thus he need not wage any war against it. So it is, for example, with one who is by nature an assiduous student due to his stolid temperament, and who is also free of conflict with sexual desire due to his frigid nature; and similarly with other mundane pleasures he need not exert himself to master a desire for them, for he naturally lacks any feeling for enjoyment.

For this reason he does not need to contemplate so much on the greatness of G‑d to consciously create a spirit of knowledge and fear of G‑d in his mind in order to guard himself from transgressing any prohibitive commandments.

He also need not create a love of G‑d in his heart, which would motivate him to bind himself to Him through fulfilling the positive commandments and through Torah study which equals all the other commandments together.

The hidden love of G‑d found in the heart of all Jews, who are called2 “the lovers of His name,” is sufficient for him to motivate his fulfilling the commandments, since he is naturally so inclined.For a Jew who must engage in battle with his evil inclination, the love hidden in his heart is not enough. He must arouse it to an active, conscious state. For the person who is free of conflict with evil, however, this hidden love (together with his naturally favorable character traits) is sufficient.

For this reason, he is not considered “one who is serving G‑d” at all.

For this latent love is not of his making or achievement by any means. It is our inheritance, bequeathed by our Patriarchs to the entire Jewish nation, as will be explained further.3With this the Alter Rebbe concluded the thought that within the level of Beinoni there are two sub-categories — “he who serves G‑d,” and “he who serves Him not.”He now goes on to say that even one who is not naturally endowed with traits favorable to G‑d’s service, may yet come under the category of “he who serves Him not.”

So, too, he who is not inherently studious, but has accustomed himself to study diligently, so that this habit has become his second nature; thus, diligence is now natural for him,— for him, too, the hidden love of G‑d is now sufficient, unless he wishes to study more than he usually does.To do so, he must arouse a conscious love of G‑d in his heart. Only such a love can supply the strength necessary to free himself from the restraints of his acquired nature.

FOOTNOTES
1. See chs. 12 and 13.
2. Tehillim 69:37.
3. Chs. 18, 19, and 44.

Life is always a process of growth or stagnation.  We can very easily believe we should rest on our laurels, thinking we have already reached a high level.  The true servant of G-d is the one who never thinks that he/she has made it.  Rather the person should always strive for more.  This is the challenge we all face in our day to day lives.

Abandon resolutions. Stop looking for a soulmate. Reject positive thinking | Science | The Guardian

Abandon resolutions. Stop looking for a soulmate. Reject positive thinking | Science | The Guardian.

It’s that time of year, when people all across the world establish for themselves new year’s resolutions which often get broken.  I thought I would share with you some thoughts about establishing resolutions which I saw.  A couple of paragraphs from this article stuck out to me.  Here they are:

Abandon your new year resolutions – today

If you’ve made any new year resolutions, steal a march on the rest of the world by abandoning them today, rather than waiting a week or two for the moment when everyone else’s will inevitably collapse in a quagmire of failed hopes, self-reproach and packets of Pringles. The lure of making a “complete fresh start” can be hard to resist, and gleaming-eyed self-help gurus pander to that urge. In fact, aiming for across-the-board change – to get fitter, eat better, spend more time with the family and less time playing Angry Birds, all at the same time – is exactly the wrong way to change habits. Willpower is a unitary, depletable resource, which means investing energy in any one such goal will leave less remaining for the others, so your resolutions will, in effect, be fighting each other. Far better to aim for one new habit every couple of months or, better yet, to manipulate your surroundings so as to harness the power of inertia, so you needn’t spend your precious reserves of willpower at all. (It’s infinitely easier to watch less television when you don’t have one, or to use your credit card less when it’s locked in a cupboard.) Making things automatic, not consciously and continually striving hard to be better, is the key here, as Alfred North Whitehead recognised back in 1911: “It is a profoundly erroneous truism… that we should cultivate the habit of thinking of what we are doing,” he wrote. “The precise opposite is the case. Civilisation advances by extending the number of important operations which we can perform without thinking about them.”

Overhaul your information diet (but don’t starve)

We’ve been worrying about information overload for millennia. “The abundance of books is distraction,” complained Seneca, who never had to worry about his Facebook privacy options (although he was ordered to commit ritual suicide by bleeding himself to death, so it’s swings and roundabouts). But it’s been a year of unprecedentedly panicky pronouncements on what round-the-clock digital connectedness might be doing to our brains – matched only by the ferocity with which the internet’s defenders fight back. Yet as one team of neuroscientists pointed out, writing in the journal Neuron, we’ve been talking in misleading generalities. “Technology” isn’t good or bad for us, per se; neither is “the web”. Just as television can have positive or negative effects – Dora The Explorer seems to aid children’s literacy and numeracy, a study has suggested, while Teletubbies seems not to – what may well matter more is what we’re consuming online. The medium isn’t the only message.

The best way to impose some quality control on your digital life isn’t to quit Twitter, Facebook and the rest in a fit of renunciation, but to break the spell they cast. Email, social networking and blogs all resemble Pavlovian conditioning experiments on animals: we click compulsively because there might or might not be a reward – a new email, a new blog post – waiting for us. If you can schedule your email checking or web surfing to specific times of day, that uncertainty will vanish: new stuff will have accumulated, so there will almost always be a “reward” in store, and the compulsiveness should fade. Or use software such as the Firefox add-in Leechblock , which limit you to fixed-time visits to the sites you’re most addicted to. Can you, as the blogger Paul Roetzer suggests, make it a habit to unplug for four hours a day? Three? Two? What matters most isn’t the amount of time, but who’s calling the shots: the ceaseless data stream, or you. Decide when to be connected, then decide to disconnect. Alternative metaphor: it’s a one-on-one fistfight between you and Mark Zuckerberg for control of your brain. Make sure you win.

Reject positive thinking

These are troubled times for the leading proponents of positive thinking (though presumably they’re not feeling glum about it). The social critic Barbara Ehrenreich struck a chord, in her book Smile Or Die, when she argued that our current financial crises may be at least partly attributable to a blindly optimistic, failure-is-impossible ethos in the financial services industry. A Canadian study suggested positive affirmations – such as “I am a lovable person!” – actually have a negative effect on the moods of people with low self-esteem, who you might have thought would benefit from them the most. Meanwhile, the high-profile guru James Arthur Ray, a star of the movie version of The Secret, awaits trial on manslaughter charges in connection with the deaths of three participants in an October 2009 “sweat lodge” ceremony.

According to practitioners of the increasingly popular approach of “acceptance and commitment therapy”, one of several philosophies opposed to conventional positive thinking, neither positive thinking nor negative thinking is a particularly useful goal: a better plan is to learn to fixate less on the whole matter of cultivating this or that mental state. That’s reflected in the timeless and exceedingly effective anti-procrastination mantra that “motivation follows action”, not the other way around. Wait until you feel like doing something, and you could be waiting for ever. “Inspiration is for amateurs,” the artist Chuck Close is fond of saying. “I just get to work.”

Meanwhile, I also came across another list for new year’s.  This one is from Chief Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks.

Count Your Blessings & Begin to Change Your Life
Credo – the Times – December 2008
Have you made your New Year resolutions? If not, try the following. Each is potentially life changing.

1. Give thanks. Once a day take quiet time to feel gratitude for what you have, not impatience for what you don’t have. This alone will bring you halfway to happiness. We already have most of the ingredients of a happy life. It’s just that we tend to take these for granted and focus on unmet wants, unfulfilled desires. Giving thanks is better than shopping – and cheaper too.

2.  Praise. Catch someone doing something right and say so. Most people, most of the time, are unappreciated. Being recognised, thanked and congratulated by someone else is one of the most empowering things that can happen to us. So don’t wait for someone to do it for you: do it for someone else. You will make their day, and that will help make yours.

3. Spend time with your family. Make sure that there is at least one time a week when you sit down to have a meal together with no distractions – no television, no phone, no email, just being together, talking together, celebrating one another’s company. Happy marriages and healthy families need dedicated time.

4.  Discover meaning. Take time out, once in a while, to ask, ‘Why am I here? What do I hope to achieve? How best can I use my gifts? What would I wish to be said about me when I am no longer here?’ Finding meaning is essential to a fulfilled life – and how can you find it if you never look? If you don’t know where you want to be, you will never get there however fast you run.

5. Live your values. Most of us believe in high ideals, but we act on them only sporadically. The best thing to do is to establish habits that get us to enact those ideals daily. This is called ritual, and it’s what religions remember but ethicists often forget.

6. Forgive. This is the emotional equivalent of losing excess weight. Life is too short to bear a grudge or seek revenge. Forgiving someone is good for them but even better for you. The bad has happened. It won’t be made better by your dwelling on it. Let it go. Move on.

7. Keep learning. I learned this from Florence in Newcastle, whom I last met the day she celebrated her 105th birthday. She was still full of energy and fun. What’s the secret? I asked her. ‘Never be afraid to learn something new’, she said. Then I realised that if you are willing to learn, you can be 105 and still young. If you are not, you can be 25 and already old.

8. Learn to listen. Often in conversation we spend half our time thinking of what we want to say next instead of paying attention to what the other person is saying. Listening is one of the greatest gifts we can give to someone else. It means that we are open to them, that we take them seriously, that we accept graciously their gift of words.

9. Create moments of silence in the soul. Liberate yourself, if only five minutes daily, from the tyranny of technology, the mobile phone, the laptop and all the other electronic intruders, and just inhale the heady air of existence, the joy of being.

10. Transform suffering. When bad things happen to you, use them to sensitise you to the pain of others. The greatest people I know – people who survived tragedy and became stronger as a result – did not ask, ‘Who did this to me?’ Instead they asked, ‘What does this allow me to do that I could not have done before?’ They refused to become victims of circumstance. They became, instead, agents of hope.

Most of these are, of course, integral elements of a religious life, which may be why so many surveys have shown that those who practice a religious faith tend to live longer, have lower levels of stress and report higher degrees of wellbeing than others. This is not accidental. The great religions are our richest treasuries of wisdom when it comes to the question of how best to live a life.

I agree with both of their approaches to making resolutions and working on change.  One needs attainable, doable goals that also provide a sense of meaning.  I know we all struggle with this as we want to do everything at once and end up not doing anything at all.  As such, I wish you all good luck in keeping to your resolutions for this year.

Life’s too full of blessings to waste time and attention on artificial substitutes. Live, give, forgive, celebrate and praise: these are still the best ways of making a blessing over life, thereby turning life into a blessing.

Addendum:  See this op-ed by George Will on another approach to being unable to keep one’s resolutions.